It’s finally here!!!
My thoughts have been brewing over this idea for two years now and I’m finally giving it a GO! This may seem sort of strange that I am proud to launch a childless life podcast but this has been a topic I have been too shy or embarrassed to discuss and it’s time to make a change to that. It’s a bit of a taboo subject but I believe it doesn’t have to be. I would like to share my story in hopes that I can reach a few readers/listeners who relate. When you live a nonsocial norm lifestyle, it is important to surround yourself with a solid community who you can share thoughts and moments with. It is my dream, with the help of my husband and closest friends to create a Childless Community.
Here’s my story:
I was so distracted I didn’t have time to mourn the news. I was nearing the end of Graduate School at WVU. I couldn’t wait to finally settle in somewhere, buy a home, start my career, start a family, and live out this life. I was readying myself for my final presentation on breast carcinoma when I had to skip off to a doctor’s appointment. An ultrasound was scheduled to take a look at my ovaries which were giving me tremendous pain upon exercise. Polycystic Ovarian Disease, they mentioned. I knew what it was. In fact I’ve dissected many ovaries with this disease. I rolled my eyes at it, telling myself “I told you so.”
Then it came. The technician took the cold slimy stick and aimed it at my uterus. She turned the screen in my direction and said, “Did you know you have a bicornuate uterus? …potentially with a septum?” It looked evil. Maybe like a “hook-em horns” off a Texan’s sports cap? Or did it look a little more like a heart? Maybe this was some nightmare and I could aim that ultrasound stick at my martian-looking organ, have it shoot lazer beams and disintegrate my uterus? Humph.
My malformed uterus didn’t have that dome shape like a hot-air-balloon does, in order to house a growing baby. In fact, the technician carelessly blurts out, “Oh, yeah, people with your malformation have about a 20-30% chance of carrying to full term. They tend to lose it in the 2nd trimester due to growth restriction complications. If it does survive, you could be dealing with a load of birth malformations due to growth restriction.” The polycystic ovarian disease certainly doesn’t increase my chances. Wow, thanks for the comforting, informative chat Technician. That was the longest elevator ride to the parking deck I’ve ever had.
With my unfinished presentation in the passenger seat, I knew I had to do two things: focus… and eat. I felt numb as I carried my food to the back corner of Chick-fila. Within minutes, I realized I was sitting next to the playscape and distracted by children playing when it all finally hit me. A little boy (of about 3ish) paused to sit in the plastic bubble in the very top of the play tower. We locked eyes. He placed his hand upon the plastic wall and it felt as if he was looking into my soul. Maybe he felt my sadness (maybe he thought I was some creeper staring at children?). Then he smiled at me for what seemed like forever. It was this moment I realized I’d never have a moment like that with a child of mine. I’d never see his/her smiling face. I’ll never come out of the bathroom with that excited, “Surprise! We’re pregnant!” Life would be much different.
The next morning the numbness eased up a bit, due to my shift of focus. I had to make this presentation good. I have an interest in breast pathology more than any other pathology, so at least the subject had me excited. I was pretty certain that the puffy bags under my eyes were visible to the entire room. Were there holes in my summary, for all the interjected thoughts I had while putting the end together? I left afterward not telling a single soul, but receiving compliments on my presentation. The focus on this project was life saving, as sometimes, distractions are pure blessings. I realize now that sometimes that’s all we let life be – one big distraction.
It’s been almost four years. My state of acceptance versus an ache for childrearing is now at 99% to 1%. I consciously know now, what I’ve always known in the past: That life is what we make of it. I now refuse to be distracted in order to tuck away unwanted emotions. We live to feel and to be felt. I have “settled in, bought a house, started a family and a career” and along the way, these four years alone have taught me a lot. Some of us are meant for something much different.
I have always had the tendency to appreciate simple things in life. I have recently worked on aligning and tending to my desires and needs and am allowing myself to tap into avenues others don’t find time or energy for. Holding a meaningful, fulfilled, happy life isn’t only for those with children.
We all have tough choices to make in life. I can choose to go forward with a procedure that could put me in tons of risk of uterine rupture. I can choose to adopt. But it is 2017, and I can also choose to be childfree.
If you’d like to take a listen to our very first podcast, please do! Please no harsh judging as I was very nervous for this first one! haha. I know it’ll get much easier and more and more fun with each episode. We plan to share much of our insight on the topic but also the ways we add “meaning” to our lives. Many trips and hobbies will be shared! Come along with us and let us know your thoughts on the subject! We want to hear from you!
Cheers – to changing lives for the better.
Also available for free download on iTunes (or on your Podcast app)!